My Story: Lauren
Well, this is the post I’ve been trying to avoid since I started this blog.
But lately I’ve been feeling a push to write it.
In this blog I’ve asked other people to share their hearts and experiences.
But I don’t want to share my heart, and want to hide my experiences away?
Hide myself away in a corner and live in the fear of people seeing a piece of my heart?
I don’t think that’s right, and I don’t think that’s what God wants me to do.
So here is a bit of my story.
Growing up I was the little girl who dreamed of being Cinderella,
I wanted the dress, the prince, the castle, and the wedding.
And I still would say yes to any, and all of those things!
I thought I’d be married by 20, have kids by 25, and have a perfectly happy life.
But that’s not what happened, I’m 28, no husband and no kids.
However, what did happen is that I have a happy life! I equated marriage and kids with happiness.
I thought those two things were what would make me happy and solve all of my problems.
I was wrong. I’ve learned that as great and beautiful as those things are, true happiness comes from something else.
I’ll let you know, even though the answer was right in my face, learning to accept it was no easy task.
It’s been a road of ups and downs, bumps, bruises, broken hearts, and tears.
But it’s also been a road of joy, learning, trust, worship, and adventure!
All things I would have never experienced or wouldn’t have experienced in the same way without my time of waiting.
Tons of waiting. Waiting that seemed (and sometimes still seems) endless.
Like the feeling of riding a train through a long tunnel waiting to see a light at the end, but there isn’t one.
There have been times when it looked like there was a light, only to find out it was a little lamp.
A lamp showing me the direction I need to go, and teaching me something along the way.
But when I’m in the dark it forces me to lean fully on God to lead in the right direction,
and I’ve realized that’s when I experience the most growth.
Let me tell you about one of my lamps (or learning experiences).
I’ve learned not to regret any of these “lamps”.
Because through them God’s taught me about myself, what I need to look for, and areas I need to grow in.
When I was in hair-school I met this guy, and I was head over heels for him.
He was tall, dark and handsome, what most girls dream of.
In my mind, he was everything I was searching for.
He took me out, made me feel beautiful, and he always asked deep questions about my hopes and dreams.
At the same time while he was acting like we were dating,
he would say “this isn’t a date” and “We aren’t dating”.
Those phrases should have been my “DO NOT PROCEED” warning labels to not let my mind wander,
and convince myself he liked me.
However, because his words and actions didn’t match I told myself he liked me,
and that we were going to end up together.
But after 3 months of our non-date-dates, and deep conversations he told me he was seeing someone.
I was absolutely devastated, I was heartbroken and felt used and stupid.
So after lots of ugly crying and awkwardly avoiding him at church, I moved on.
I had scars on my heart, but I decided I was going to guard my heart more than ever.
As time went on, and I met other men, went on dates, got lead on,
broke a couple hearts, and had my own heart broken.
I let those scars become a wall, one that I was determined to not let anyone through.
Not men, or friends. I would let them see what I wanted them to see, but nothing deeper than that.
Keeping everyone at arms length, so they couldn’t hurt me.
With the help of God and a wonderful mentor,
I’ve learned that guarding your heart isn’t building a wall and a fortress so tight no one can get in.
It’s protecting your heart,
it’s having a heart security guard to stand at the door, let good people close,
identify danger and protect the heart from the danger.
Now let’s jump back to that part at the beginning where I talked about happiness.
Where do we find true happiness? The only true happiness can come from Christ.
Fully surrendering to Him and His will, and by being willingly obedient to what He asks of us.
This past year has been hard, but God has used it to stretch and mold me in ways I never thought possible.
I have learned contentment in my season of singleness.
There are days I still struggle with contentment, but those are the days I need to refocus myself more on Christ.
And Lord willing, one day I will get married and have kids!
But for now, I’m happy spending uninterrupted time with Him and my family.
I’ve learned to trust that He will lead me through all things.
I’ve learned to lay myself aside, and humble myself to His will.
And most importantly, I’ve learned to spend time in specific prayer.
I’ve spent time Praising Him, thanking Him, asking Him and talking to Him.
This past year I’ve felt God grow me in more ways than ever before.
Now I finally believe these words I’ve sung to myself for years and years.
“Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well, with my soul.”